I’m OK, You’re OK

Somedays that’s all we need to know

To Be or Not To Be March 26, 2009

Filed under: family,health,ponderings — meandmom @ 10:22 pm
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Angry that is.   My shrink is trying to convince me to stop being angry at the ex.  The ex that isn’t contributing to the finances right now….or for the past year.  The ex that didn’t show up to our family counseling session.  The ex that has yet to give The Daughter a birthday present.  The ex that tries to play all high and mighty with me regarding his visitation with the girls.  The ex that allows his girlfriend to discipline the girls when they are in his home.  The ex that closed down his business so he could file for support modification.  The ex that is costing me huge amounts of money in legal fees.

But I am angry.  I am angry that he continues to try to control me through the girls.  I am angry that he has the audacity to talk down to me and yell at me when I’m the one that keeps the girls clothed and fed and housed.  I am angry that he hurts them by his selfishness.  I am angry that he leaves me to care for their financial needs all by myself.

I don’t dwell in my anger.  But if I have to think about it or discuss it, it rises to the surface very quickly.   To be really honest, I feel like if I let go of my anger, it will be letting him get away with his behavior.  I want him held accountable.  I don’t know how to walk away from that need.

I realize that my children shouldn’t see my anger and I really try hard to not put any focus on it.  The reality of the situation is that they have a crumb of a dad.  They know it.  I know it.  I try not to stand in the way of their relationship with their dad, but I also struggle with the idea that they might be developing unhealthy ideas about what love is.  I don’t want them to think that they have to accept his bad behavior just because they share his DNA.

For more than 20 years I tried to figure out how to have a relationship with my dad who also financially abandoned me.  I don’t count on him for financial support now, but the same selfish choices that led him to ignore my financial needs as a kid are the one that cause him to emotionally abandon me now.  Oh how I would love to shield my girls from a lifetime of banging their heads against a wall.  I don’t suppose I can though.

That makes me angry too.

-The Mom

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Breaking the Ice…again January 9, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — meandmom @ 7:29 pm
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Write the bad things that are done to you in sand, but write the good things that happen to you on a piece of marble.
-Arabic Proverb

I can’t remember whose blog had the above quote on it, but I liked it enough to save it.  I haven’t been writing ‘cuz I just couldn’t find anything I wanted to share.  It has been a little rocky ’round these parts and I didn’t have anything to say befitting of a peice of marble.  I’m determined to come out of the fog though and find the sunshine….kinda hard with all the gray skies in the Pac Northwest right now….but the sunshine of life is starting to peek through once again. 

Here comes the sun…..Here comes the sun….Here comes the sun and I say It’s alright!

-The Mom

 

The Pull of the Tides November 26, 2008

The Soul Coaching group is affirming that we are in harmony with the natural rhythms of life.  I remember when I was in college, my mom was researching bio-rhythms.  She asked me if I ever noticed that at the end of every year I go through a “funk”.  Hmmm…..I hadn’t, but she was absolutely right.  The weird thing is that fall is my favorite season.  I love watching the trees turn colors and the crispness that comes in the air.  I love the need for a fire in the hearth and a warm cup of soup.  I love that fall brings football season (even though this season has been a complete bust if you are a fan of any team that plays in the state of Washington!). 

My significant other pointed out this morning that I am being very resistant to spending time with family over the holiday.  As I considered today’s reading, I had to admit that he was right.  I am feeling that fall funk and wanting to control things by being mopey.  It’s not a very constructive way of dealing with my funk but it is my default setting.  So, I will shake it off and realize that sometimes being in tune with the tides of nature doesn’t always mean submitting to them but respecting, accepting and then choosing action.

I guess that means I’ll be going to the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade in Seattle bright and early on Friday morning with the rest of my family …..yuckcan’t wait!

-The Mom

 

Water, Water Everywhere November 13, 2008

Filed under: ponderings,soul coaching,ZombieMom — meandmom @ 6:49 pm
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It has been raining all week here in the Pacific Northwest.  No surprise there, I guess.  But Soul Coaching Water Week has really swept in.  Today our goal is to “do nothing”.  I guess I’ve been practicing this for the past couple of days.  Something about all the rain took me from the great highs of last week and diluted them.  I am feeling water logged. 

Once again, I decided to move towards something and then felt the universe push back against me.  I came up with my personal mission statement.  When I finish writing it, I was excited to begin each day with purposeful energy.  Instead, every morning this past week I have awoken feeling like I hadn’t slept long enough or well enough.  I know that this is just my own inner resistance.  Do I really want this mission?  What happens if I don’t live up to it and nothing changes?  I also know that I do just need to see past those doubtful thoughts and keep my eye on the goal.  I saw through last week’s experiences that intention will bring result. 

So, I’m pushing through.  I’m not floating like I was during Air week.  I am swimming against the tide.  But I will see you on the other side of this big puddle! 

-The Mom

 

Mission Impossible November 9, 2008

Filed under: helpful tidbits!,ponderings — meandmom @ 6:50 am
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Oh no….the end of the link list…. I have nothing else to do but post now.  Today’s Soul Coaching activity is one I’d rather avoid….coming up with a mission statement.  Oh I’ve started this process before…with Stephen Covey’s book about Effective Families, the book The Purpose Filled Life, with my church family (we do this every 4 years).  I have NEVER been able to truly come up with a mission statement.  I’ve wanted to.  It just seems SO. BIG.  How does one put the purpose of their life in words?  Words significant enough to encapsulate what their life on this earth was to be? Are my goals worthy enough?  Big enough?  What if I fail?  What if I don’t achieve what I set out to do?  What is it that makes my time here worth it? 

So, I read every other link in the Soul Coaching group before I posted.  I was looking for some guidance, some wisdom, some answers.  One of the things I’m supposed to be doing today is listening  to or being aware of messages being given to us.  That’s exactly what I got!  I learned that I don’t need to know exactly who I am or where I’m going.  I can be as simple or defined as I’m currently inspired to be.

Thank you to those that show me the way.  Thank you to each and every one of you that support me and the Daughter and leave comments that validate and reassure us.  I still don’t know exactly how to define my personal mission.  I will be listening and looking for messages that will lead me in the right direction.  I will focus on defining my mission statement over the week.  I welcome the cleansing and refreshing that comes with water (our element for the week).  And, as Megg pointed out to me, I am so blessed to be spending the weekend ending air week and starting water week at my beloved BeachHouse where air and water prevail!

-The Mom

 

Do You Believe in Magic? November 7, 2008

Filed under: family,ponderings — meandmom @ 6:41 pm
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I have felt a wonderful rush this past week as I’ve started decluttering my heart and mind on my Soul Coaching journey.  Today’s affirmation resounds:  I am safe and centered no matter where I am.  The ups and downs, twists and turns of the past year have wrought havoc on my inner self.  Yet, as I really become aware of the place that I’m in, I see that the chaos was not from within me.  Everything in my heart, everything in my home has actually been safe.    The havoc came from the outside and I allowed it to enter.  Over the past 6 days, I have focused on releasing the clutter that came with the chaos.  I absolutely feel lighter.  I feel more solid on my foundation.  I am ready for all the magic…all the possibility….that can come in and fill up those spaces that chaos once filled. 

There are still troubling events, hurdles to overcome, emotions to work through.  But the fear is gone, the lack of confidence is subsiding.  I am finding my authentic self again.  This is exactly what I had hoped that this process would bring.

I am happy to be able to end the week at the BeachHouse on Whidbey Island.  It is a place of peace and serentity.  We always see amazing creation when we are there….sea lions, eagles, mountains, water.  It is definitely my retreat, my safe place.  This weekend it will just be the girls and I.  I can’t wait for just some mom and daughter time!  It has been a busy and emotional week and the three of us are much in need of a quiet weekend of stormy beach walks, reading by the fire, walking through the cute seaside town of Langley and talking into the night.  I love knowing that the environment I create for me, is their environment as well and we are safe and centered and loved by a God that watches over us.

This will be the view from our window this weekend…..sunsetatwhidbey1 Can you feel the magic?

The Mom

 

Fabulous and Forty! November 5, 2008

That’s right!  I’ve chosen to be fabulous today as I officially turn 40.  What a day to start a new decade!  The first minority individual was just elected to be our next president.  What a fabulous moment to witness!  Regardless of one’s political persuasion, I hope we can all appreciate and celebrate that the glass ceiling was broken!  He spoke of hope and challenge and opportunity.  Words that apply to my next decade politically, professionally, emotionally, and spiritually.

On my Soul Coaching journey today I am to affirm the phrase: I love and accept who I am and who I am is enough.  I can’t think of better words for today.  It is hard sometimes to embrace these “milestone” birthdays.  I certainly have many reasons to feel like I’m not where I should be this year.  If you had asked me about it last week, those reasons were surrounding me with loud voices.  However, I ended the month at work with my most successful numbers yet.  I overcame a family and emotional challenge this past weekend with triumph and the love and support of my children.  I see that my life is full of friends and family that love me and cheer for me.  I realize that I am right where I need to be.  I am exactly where my life meant for me to be.  And you know what?  I am really fabulous! 

So, where am I?  I am standing on the threshold of an exciting tomorrow.  A place where I can see professional success, emotional freedom, spiritual growth, and physical health and beauty.  I see that regardless of gray skies and storm clouds, there is warmth and sunlight.  I can see that my path is well lit by a God who loves me.  He loves me for who I am right now.  He loves me for who I will be.  If I can focus on how I feel today, if I can always try to meditate on the empowerment of this moment, then I know without doubt that I will be ok.  I will be more than ok.  I will be fabulous.

Happy Birthday Me!

-The Mom