I’m OK, You’re OK

Somedays that’s all we need to know

To Be or Not To Be March 26, 2009

Filed under: family,health,ponderings — meandmom @ 10:22 pm
Tags: , , ,

Angry that is.   My shrink is trying to convince me to stop being angry at the ex.  The ex that isn’t contributing to the finances right now….or for the past year.  The ex that didn’t show up to our family counseling session.  The ex that has yet to give The Daughter a birthday present.  The ex that tries to play all high and mighty with me regarding his visitation with the girls.  The ex that allows his girlfriend to discipline the girls when they are in his home.  The ex that closed down his business so he could file for support modification.  The ex that is costing me huge amounts of money in legal fees.

But I am angry.  I am angry that he continues to try to control me through the girls.  I am angry that he has the audacity to talk down to me and yell at me when I’m the one that keeps the girls clothed and fed and housed.  I am angry that he hurts them by his selfishness.  I am angry that he leaves me to care for their financial needs all by myself.

I don’t dwell in my anger.  But if I have to think about it or discuss it, it rises to the surface very quickly.   To be really honest, I feel like if I let go of my anger, it will be letting him get away with his behavior.  I want him held accountable.  I don’t know how to walk away from that need.

I realize that my children shouldn’t see my anger and I really try hard to not put any focus on it.  The reality of the situation is that they have a crumb of a dad.  They know it.  I know it.  I try not to stand in the way of their relationship with their dad, but I also struggle with the idea that they might be developing unhealthy ideas about what love is.  I don’t want them to think that they have to accept his bad behavior just because they share his DNA.

For more than 20 years I tried to figure out how to have a relationship with my dad who also financially abandoned me.  I don’t count on him for financial support now, but the same selfish choices that led him to ignore my financial needs as a kid are the one that cause him to emotionally abandon me now.  Oh how I would love to shield my girls from a lifetime of banging their heads against a wall.  I don’t suppose I can though.

That makes me angry too.

-The Mom

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2 Responses to “To Be or Not To Be”

  1. Headless Mom Says:

    I understand the anger. All too well, actually. The thing is, I think that since they live with you that they will “get it” eventually. My girl has horrible issues with her mom that only she can deal with. All we can do is pick up the pieces. When she was younger it was hard to see her go off, happily, with her but now she is paying the price for being left when she was little. I’m the one who remembers her tears when her mom wouldn’t show. I know it is super fresh, and in your face every day, but in some ways the shrink is right. You can’t let it control you. One day, when they are older, you will be able to explain your side of the story. Not as an ugly story about their dad but more as a “This is what hurt me and why I behave this way when dealing with him.” This helped in our dealings with our girl because she understood where we were coming from. She was about 13 at the time, but you might want to wait a little longer since it’s pretty fresh still.

    Praying for a little peace for you.

  2. christyd4 Says:

    It’s so funny that I didn’t grow up with my dad, but ended up marrying someone like him anyway. That’s what I struggle with the most, that they break away from that and marry someone completely different. I didn’t see it until I spent a lot of time with my dad, so I’m hopefully they can break the pattern.


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