The Daughter is 12. She has been 12 for 1 whole month. That’s it. One. Month. And already everything is different. Ever.y.thing!
Apparently, I was the only mom in the entire school district who didn’t let their 6th grader wear makeup. And I was. All of my friends have buckled to this campaign of breaking down the last bit of tween innocence. I was holding down the no makeup zone all by myself. So, I did what every proud role model does. I caved. I gave up. I gave in. I bought The Daughter makeup for her 12th birthday. She doesn’t need it. She’s the kind of gorgeous that you can’t even hate. She looks like she came straight from Cleopatra via Kim Kardashian. But sweeter. And more innocent. It makes me a little sad everytime she wears it. Which, of course, is everyday. But it makes her feel good. She belongs again.
This has been the year of belonging. Requirements: Uggs, a Juicy Couture hoody, a cell phone, make up, 7 jeans. Thank God for grandparents and Nordstrom Rack! The Daughter now has one of each. Not so much that she’s spoiled….oh no, she is a long way off from being spoiled. Just enough so that she feels like she belongs.
I hate this part of growing up. This belonging part. But I remember wanting the same thing. I remember that my mom, the ultimate rebel, didn’t want to make it a priority and it hurt my feelings. So we save our money. We go in halvsies. We put things on our Christmas and Birthday lists. We belong.
Only now there is a new requirment. Facebook. Once again, all my friends are starting to surrender. One by one. I worry about the ability for kids to hurt each other on FB. I worry about how much faster and easier bad rumors spread. I worry about how fragile reputations can easily be tarnished. I worry about the in group/out group mentality of teens that was hard enough to deal with before the likes of texting and Facebook accounts.
So, what’s a mom to do? This mom tossed and turned all last night. Until finally I got out of my bed and went to hers. She slept with me every single night for the first 3 years of her life. It was the only way she would sleep. I haven’t slept in the same bed as her since. I curled up next to her and wept. I’m not ready. I’m not ready for her to be her own woman. I’m not ready for her to encounter heart break and peer pressure. I’m not ready to let her fight the battles that only she can fight. Here’s my big problem though…..She is. She is VERY ready.
So. Again. I ask. What is a mom to do? Anybody have any answers? When did you or will you let your kids get a FB account? How do you discern, as a parent, where the line is drawn between OK kind of belonging (clothes, curfew) and NOT OK kind of belonging (drinking, sex)?
Help a mom out……Hey! Is that a wrinkle hiding there behind the gray hair??
-The Mom
I'm OK, You're OK 
Great post. I feel your pain. Don’t give up, you are definately fighting for the right things here and in admirable moderation.
I have to tell you that I have not caved on the makeup at school, but she likes to wear eyeliner outside of school. I don’t have any answers either, but what we can do is pray. I pray that she makes right decisions, I pray that she gets with the right friends, and she does have a facebook, but I’m her friend and definitely monitor all of it. I also keep her involved in other things so she hardly has time for FB. And I have two more coming up after so I know that our jobs are far from over.
omg it was the same thing for me last year. and then you find your true friends who dont care if you have uggs, juicy, or 7s. not saying that i dont have any. (wich i do) but just wait until next year and it will die down. i found all my true and new friends and i still get clothes from limited too. they have cute clothes. i dont wear a bikini, i wear a one piece. she jsut needs to find her real, true friends and then she won’t care about looking the best, or any of those things. you make more friends without them to tell the truth. just be sure to tell her that and watch in magically happen. i only wear mascara. end of story. that is really all you need. and she is very very beautiful without all the makeup. just remind her of that. ❤
I’m sorry that I haven’t been here before now. This is big stuff. I’ve been there with my girl and there are no easy answers. Keep the conversations open, keep limits on the freedom, keep her in a youth group. My thing was always, keep this limit then you can have more freedom. Luckily my girl was/is super invested in God/church/bible and she learned pretty quick that much of the other stuff was just stuff. Her friends had the same values as she did so the rest came pretty easy. It sounds like you have a great relationship so the balance and boundaries should come pretty easy. Let me know when/if you want to talk more about this!
Her favorite verse is 1Peter:3-4. We are lucky parents.
I am a fifteen year old girl, and I know how you AND your daughter feels. Hey, I didn’t feel the need to year make-up until I was fourteen as a freshman in high school. However, my friends did start to wear make-up in middle school. Now that I do wear make-up, it makes me feel more pretty and thats how your daughter must feel. Try to remember the first time you wore make-up, how you felt with it on and with it off. Also, the whole spoiled/belonging thing, I believe you made a wise choice to split it up. Because sooner or later she’s going to want more and more and more. As for Facebook, I have one, my parents each have one too. I believe that is your daughter wants a Facebook, than you too should have one and there you can check out everything thats on her profile. Her pictures, her personal information, what she’s saying to her friends or even strangers. My parents do that to me and it is very effective. Plus, it gains trust from the both of you! For the whole sleep-in-bed with your daughter thing, I find that very cute. And yes, it is hard to let her grow up. However, letting her grow up doesn’t mean that your going to be out of her life. My mother asks me what goes on in my life every day. She asks about school, how I’m feelings, about my friends lives, who I have a crush on, or even about my boyfriend. You can ask her during dinner or in a more private area, like right before you say goodnight to her in her bedroom. At first, my mother was scared and not ready too, because I am the eldest sibling in my family, so becoming a teenager and growing up was all new to her too. However, she learned to cope with it, and I helped her through. I also made a promise to her that I would never become the mean and rude stereotype teenager who hates her parents. And still, to this day, I have kept it. Maybe you should do the same to your daughter and hopefully, she will keep that promise too. Let her know that your not ready, that your scared and nervous for her and yourself. If she knows how you feel, than she can help you through this. And remember, communication is key! Talk to her about how you feel and ask her about how she feels. And remind her all the time that if she is ever confused, being about friends, schoolwork, or even boys, she can always go to you and you will gladly help her through those hard times. So, basically, what I’m trying to say is, become her best friend! Do everything a best friend would do. Go shopping with her, see a movie, talk about boys, gossip, let her cry on your shoulder. You see my point? Good. Well I hope everything works out for you and your daughter. I wish you the best of luck helping throughout her pre-teen and teen years. Thanks for reading! =]