I loved having an extra day tagged onto the weekend for President’s Day…Thanks Abe and George! The S.O. and I decided to go to the movies with the Drama Queen. Guess what we saw? I was totally expecting a fun chick flick. Oh, and by the way, can I just say the chemistry between Jen and Ben….not so much. What I did not expect was how emotional I would get during this movie.
I mean, you don’t go to a movie like that thinking you are going to be exposed to the feelings that you rather not think about. The first thing that caught me off guard was how marriage was introduced between Jen and Ben. I’m sitting in a similar place….long term relationship….not a ton of talk of the future. It’s not that the deep commitment isn’t there, we just don’t talk about it. Most of the time I’m ok with that…..sometimes though I really, really want that life long commitment that is announced to the world, not just understood by the two parties involved. There are complications in my situation that heavily influence what happens next for us. Anyway, I didn’t expect that part of the movie and it really struck a touchy chord for me.
Second was the guy that was cheating. I don’t want to give anything away, but this part of the movie really bothered me. My ex didn’t cheat on me with another woman but he did give his heart to something other than me. I denied it and allowed excuses I knew better than to allow. Watching a bit of that on screen….bigger than life….was a painful mirror to look into.
There were tons of funny parts to this show and I highly recommend it. I just didn’t expect to loose myself in a sea of tears. I definitely would not go see this on a date in a new relationship or in a troubled one or one where there were any questions about the future. It was a little uncomfortable for me sitting next to S.O. as it was the subject of a recent conversation.
The hard part for me is this…..the thing I hate most about my divorce is not grieving the loss of love. It is grieving the loss of family. It is very hard the second time around to establish that kind of feeling. At the end of the day, my kids have a dad that they see on a regular basis. So, S.O. is very careful about his involvement with my girls. It is hard for him as a man to know how to go about connecting with them in a way that feels comfortable for all of them. Plus, he is very reserved with things like hugs and playful physicality. We have taken their relationship very, very, very slowly. I’m proud of us for that. It’s just hard having the knowledge that it is always disjointed. It is not ever quite the same feeling of parenting and family unit as existed in my marriage. A good friend of mine that has been remarried for almost the entire life of one of her children, advised me that it will never be the same as the original family. Ouch.
What I’m realizing is that I do really, really want to be married again. I want that fortified commitment that comes with a ring and a ceremony. I want to feel blessed by God and supported by family in my relationship. I want that blessing and support to be formalized and public. I’m worried that the complications that exist…which I can’t discuss here….will prevent marriage from happening. Then I need to ask myself….should I expect him to marry me anyway? Or, should I pay attention to the message of the movie?
It will be a telling year…….