Still here and other stuff May 5, 2009

I know, I know and I’m sorry….I’ve been neglectful as of late.

Sometimes life just needs to take center stage and blogging needs to wait patiently off to the side.

There has been a lot going on at work…good news in the IT Staffing world!  I have a great sense of pride that the work that I do, right now in this day and age, not only helps my clients and the people I find for them, but it also helps my country.  I love getting people off the unemployment lines and back to work!

The Littlest scored her first soccer goal on Saturday….big fun for her!

Is anybody else over the Swine flue hysteria?  A week from Thursday I am flying down to Cabo San Lucas sans ninos! (without kids – in two different languages no less).  Can I just tell you that right now there are 0 reported cases of Swine Flu on the whole Baja Peninsula.  None. Zip. NADA. Therefore, I should be a lot more scared walking around the state of Washington then I should chillin on the beach in Cabo.  Not to mention that I think the constant intake of smallish quantities of tequila will be a very effective method for killing off any possible bugs.  I’m over the hysteria of the media.  It just kills me.  But hey, I guess it is nice to have everybody stressed about something other than the economy.  So there is that, I suppose.

Here is my biggest news….ready….drum roll…. The week before last I had total vindication in family court!  Can I just tell you that it has taken 2 years and I don’t even want to think about how many dollars worth of legal fees to finally have the court tell the X that dads have to pay child support and all the shenanigans he has pulled over the last 2 years in efforts to avoid that obligation aren’t fooling AN.Y.ONE!

My favorite part of the commissioner’s judgment was when she said to him “your ex wife has built a career for herself, with no previous work experience, with no advanced degree (I have a BA but he has a graduate degree), all the while being the primary parent for the children and without the parental support that you, sir, clearly have and yet you are here to tell me that you want me to assign the wage the court uses for the average 40 year old man in the state of Washington with undocumented income?”  (it is a very low number).  Oh it was wonderful.  Even if I never get paid.  The X and his parents had to listen to the commissioner validate little ole me and rake his sorry behind all over the courtroom.  No, I’m not bitter, just validated.  And oh, it feels so good!

Glad to finally see daylight hours extending past 5:00 in these parts.  Welcome Spring!

All in all, life is still good.  And Me and Mine are still OK.

-The Mom

To Be or Not To Be March 26, 2009

Angry that is.   My shrink is trying to convince me to stop being angry at the ex.  The ex that isn’t contributing to the finances right now….or for the past year.  The ex that didn’t show up to our family counseling session.  The ex that has yet to give The Daughter a birthday present.  The ex that tries to play all high and mighty with me regarding his visitation with the girls.  The ex that allows his girlfriend to discipline the girls when they are in his home.  The ex that closed down his business so he could file for support modification.  The ex that is costing me huge amounts of money in legal fees.

But I am angry.  I am angry that he continues to try to control me through the girls.  I am angry that he has the audacity to talk down to me and yell at me when I’m the one that keeps the girls clothed and fed and housed.  I am angry that he hurts them by his selfishness.  I am angry that he leaves me to care for their financial needs all by myself.

I don’t dwell in my anger.  But if I have to think about it or discuss it, it rises to the surface very quickly.   To be really honest, I feel like if I let go of my anger, it will be letting him get away with his behavior.  I want him held accountable.  I don’t know how to walk away from that need.

I realize that my children shouldn’t see my anger and I really try hard to not put any focus on it.  The reality of the situation is that they have a crumb of a dad.  They know it.  I know it.  I try not to stand in the way of their relationship with their dad, but I also struggle with the idea that they might be developing unhealthy ideas about what love is.  I don’t want them to think that they have to accept his bad behavior just because they share his DNA.

For more than 20 years I tried to figure out how to have a relationship with my dad who also financially abandoned me.  I don’t count on him for financial support now, but the same selfish choices that led him to ignore my financial needs as a kid are the one that cause him to emotionally abandon me now.  Oh how I would love to shield my girls from a lifetime of banging their heads against a wall.  I don’t suppose I can though.

That makes me angry too.

-The Mom

A New Day February 18, 2009

Well now, after the heaviness of my last post, I need to take in a deep breath and just have a big ole belly laugh!   BWAAHHHBWAAAHH!

Much better!  I told you….there are some heavy thoughts running circles in my little pea brain (not much room in there I guess).  When I started this blog it was for my daughter and I to communicate some of those things that divorced families go through.  We haven’t done a TON of that because, although I think it is good for us to do, The Daughter and I are still careful about what we share.  FYI….anything I share here is something that she and I have already discussed in some fashion.

There are tons of families out there that face the hardships of making a new identity for themselves after a divorce.  I would like this to be a place where kids or moms or dads could know that they are not suffering through their process by themselves. And that everyone in the family has their own perspective and their own hurts, worries, concerns.

People sometimes raise their eyebrows at me over the fact that I include The Daughter in this discussion.  Here’s the thing, when I was 14 my parents divorced.  My mom and dad were very tight lipped about everything, just like they were told to be.  I understand the need for a lot of that, I do.  However, It was also very confusing to us kids as to why there was so much tension and frustration and why our parents couldn’t even tolerate being in the same room anymore and on and on and on.

I’ve chosen a more open, but careful, dialogue with The Daughter.  Part of that is based on my experience, part of that is based on her overly mature personality.  It might not be everyone’s cup of tea, but it is working for us.  It’s important for kids to understand that their parents are people too.  And you know what?  Divorce hurts.  It hurts everyone.  Even Mommy.  Even Daddy.  And you know what?  It’s okay to hurt.  It’s not fun, but it’s part of life and we need to learn how to get through it.  It would have been helpful to me to understand that when I was going through it as a kid.

That being said…part of being ok is not dwelling on the tough stuff all the time.  So sometimes I want this to be a space just to talk about life, show pictures and silly videos,  and meet and communicate with new friends.

In that vain…..

The other day I finished my taxes and got them filed….yeah for me and for tax returns!  My own little economic stimulus package!  I also filed away all of the end of the year paperwork.  There is something very satisfying for me in that.  I love tidy little piles and things buttoned up tight and clean.  I feel that the hardships of 2008 are behind me and the goodness of 2009 is only waiting to happen.

Enjoy the DAY!

-The Mom

He’s Just Not That Into You February 17, 2009

I loved having an extra day tagged onto the weekend for President’s Day…Thanks Abe and George!  The S.O. and I decided to go to the movies with the Drama Queen.  Guess what we saw?  I was totally expecting a fun chick flick.  Oh, and by the way, can I just say the chemistry between Jen and Ben….not so much.  What I did not expect was how emotional I would get during this movie.

I mean, you don’t go to a movie like that thinking you are going to be exposed to the feelings that you rather not think about.  The first thing that caught me off guard was how marriage was introduced between Jen and Ben.  I’m sitting in a similar place….long term relationship….not a ton of talk of the future.  It’s not that the deep commitment isn’t there, we just don’t talk about it.  Most of the time I’m ok with that…..sometimes though I really, really want that life long commitment that is announced to the world, not just understood by the two parties involved.  There are complications in my situation that heavily influence what happens next for us.  Anyway, I didn’t expect that part of the movie and it really struck a touchy chord for me.

Second was the guy that was cheating.  I don’t want to give anything away, but this part of the movie really bothered me.  My ex didn’t cheat on me with another woman but he did give his heart to something other than me.  I denied it and allowed excuses I knew better than to allow.  Watching a bit of that on screen….bigger than life….was a painful mirror to look into.

There were tons of funny parts to this show and I highly recommend it.  I just didn’t expect to loose myself in a sea of tears.  I definitely would not go see this on a date in a new relationship or in a troubled one or one where there were any questions about the future.  It was a little uncomfortable for me sitting next to S.O. as it was the subject of a recent conversation.

The hard part for me is this…..the thing I hate most about my divorce is not grieving the loss of love.  It is grieving the loss of family.  It is very hard the second time around to establish that kind of feeling.  At the end of the day, my kids have a dad that they see on a regular basis.  So, S.O. is very careful about his involvement with my girls.  It is hard for him as a man to know how to go about connecting with them in a way that feels comfortable for all of them.  Plus, he is very reserved with things like hugs and playful physicality.  We have taken their relationship very, very, very slowly.  I’m proud of us for that.  It’s just hard having the knowledge that it is always disjointed.  It is not ever quite the same feeling of parenting and family unit as existed in my marriage.  A good friend of mine that has been remarried for almost the entire life of one of her children, advised me that it will never be the same as the original family.  Ouch.

What I’m realizing is that I do really, really want to be married again.  I want that fortified commitment that comes with a ring and a ceremony.  I want to feel blessed by God and supported by family in my relationship.  I want that blessing and support to be formalized and public.  I’m worried that the complications that exist…which I can’t discuss here….will prevent marriage from happening.  Then I need to ask myself….should I expect him to marry me anyway?  Or, should I pay attention to the message of the movie?

It will be a telling year…….

-The Mom

Sweet Smell of Victory June 2, 2008

Have you ever had that feeling when you’ve been trying to make a point for years but have been totally blown off?  No matter that you have validated your opinion with other people who you consider to be wise……

Have you had to fight so hard for what you know to be right that you begin to think that maybe the fight isn’t worth it, maybe it isn’t so improtant to be right?  Have you ever just wanted to throw in the towel because it would be so much easier? 

So very frustrating, right?  It’s hard to feel strong when you are in that place.  It is hard to feel good about yourself when you are feeling so weak.

I recently got the best validation from The Lady in the Black Robe who said (after a year of waiting for her to make a statement) that I was right.  I have been right all along.  I wanted to cry.  I wanted to laugh.  I wanted to say “SEE?????” but I didn’t.  I stood quietly and just allowed that sweet smell of victory to penetrate my nostrils.  I didn’t gloat.  I didn’t high-five anyone.  No touchdown dances in the end zone.  Just the beautiful aroma of silent satisfaction that I am not crazy, ingrateful, unrealistic, or cold-hearted. 

My struggles as a single mom won’t change due to this declaration.  My inner soul though…… well, she is just a little bit stronger, a little less defeated.  It is good to know that justice can prevail…..even if it takes 14 months.

Always stand up for yourself, My Daughter.  Advocate for yourself when you are right (recognize, however, when you’re wrong).  Don’t ever let anyone manage to convince you that what is right, is wrong.  When you are fighting for things that are true, it is worth the struggle.  And remember throughout life, I will always be your cheerleader.  When you have your moments of victory, over whatever you come against, I will take in a deep breath. Right alongside you.

The Mom

Hello world! May 26, 2008

So, I have this amazing 5th grader with a lovely way with words.  We have had a few interesting years recently with the divorce of her father and myself.  I thought that we should create a spot where she and I could journal our story together.  Me, the single mom.  She, the pre-teen kid.  My hope is that this blog will help the two of us understand each other better, celebrate each other more, and eventually get through the next handful of years of teenage angst as best we can.  We will also have occassional guest appearances from the Littlest Sister who is currently 7 years old, and always wants to be a part of her Big Sister’s world!  It’s hard to be the Littlest sometimes.  I can’t wait to see where this road takes us.  We may cry, we may laugh, we may hate what the other one says, but all in all we’ll be OK.

-The Mom